cornfields January 24, 2008

I'm trying to be more tolerant when people disagree with me.  Everybody's entitled to ridiculous opinions.

"The biggest troublemaker I've ever had to deal with watches me from the mirror every morning", Frank groaned.

"I'm afraid to talk too fast", Granny Ruth said.  "I may say something I haven't thought of yet", she laughed.

Store Sign:  OPEN 24/7 . . . EXCEPT SUNDAYS.

"Men consider a twenty mile hike physical fitness", Henry said.  "Women call it shopping!"

"I won!  I won!" Aunt Mary yelled as she withdrew money from an ATM.  --That's the third time this week!"

Pessimist counting his blessings:  Five, four, three, two . . . 

"You can always tell a good politician by the way he answers", Brad said.  "He makes you forget the question."

"My son knows nothing but thinks he knows everything", Don said.  "I think he's leaning toward a political career!"

Mountain saying:  A lie can travel halfway around the county . . . while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Golden Oldie Observation:  Life isn't fair.  The young don't know what to do, and the old can't do what they know.

Cornfields January 17, 2008

"Let's go out in the cornfield and I'll kiss you between the ears", Frank told his wife recently.

Grandpa said he once had a rooster that was so lazy it would wait for the other roosters to crow . . . and then it would just nod.

"Football has affected our entire family's lifestyle", coach said.  "Our kids can't go to bed without a two minute warning."

"People who fly into a rage always have a rough landing", Granny Ruth said.

I told Henry that I'd heard that women would rule the world by 2050.   His reply:  "Still?"

Reportedly, the president met with his cabinet today.  He also spoke with a bookcase . . . and met with a chest of drawers.

Sign At A Procrastinator's Club:  DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING . . . STAND THERE.

When my wife has an accident it's never fault.  Last Monday a building backed into her.

When eating out recently, I ordered the house salad.  It had bits of wood and brick in it.

"Don't magnify your problem", said Preacher Mike.  "Magnify your God!"

Golden Oldie Observation:  I'm a walking storeroom of facts.  --I've just misplaced the storeroom.

Cornfields January 10, 2008

"Some people refer to our dental office as a filling station", Janet said.  --Recently, a fellow came rushing in, pointed to his mouth and shouted, 'Fill 'er up'!"

"If at first I don't succeed", Henry said --"I go ahead and do it the way my wife told me."

Sign at a Tire Store:  OUR TIRES GIVE GREAT TRACTION . . . WE SKID YOU NOT!!

Chef's Surprise:  He didn't wash his hands!

"When a man gets too big for his britches . . . his hat doesn't fit either!" Granny Ruth laughed.

Kindness:  a language that the deaf can hear, and the blind can see.

"I don't know how we're going to get along without you", said the boss.  --"But come Monday morning . . . we're going to try!"

My doctor told me that jogging would add years to my life", George said.  "He was right . . . I feel ten years older already!"

Mountain Saying:  Learn to sit on an apple box . . . 'til you can afford a chair.

Red Hot

(Author's Note:  I was ten years old when the Atomic Fireball was introduced to me.  I loved them then and  still do today.  2008 marks the 55th anniversary of the 'Red Hot', or more technically , the 'Atomic Fireball'.)

"Have an Atomic Fireball", coaxed Uncle Paul.

It looked like candy so I didn't stall -

A kid needs some candy when he's been good -

To keep him behavin' just like he should.

"It's a new treat", he said as he bent.

"Tastes just a little like peppermint."

I tore it open and popped it in my jaw -

A split second later I yelled to maw;

"Red Hot!  O Wow!  And How!

I felt the red - I felt the heat,

From newly spiked hair . . . to the soles of my feet.

With teary eyes and ringing ears,

A roller coaster ride for my youthful years.

Fanning and gasping with a whispered 'Whee'!

I looked in a mirror at a red hot me.

"Hey, Uncle Paul!"  I managed to call -

"Thanks Uncle Paul! . . . for the Atomic Fireball!"

(Later I reflected on what he meant -

I tasted the pepper . . . but not the mint!)

Cornfields January 3, 2008

New Year's Wish:  May peace break into your house and thieves come to steal your debts.  May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.  May love stick to your face like Vaseline . . . and laughter assault your lips and belly with gusto.

Bullet bill is embarrassed.  The silly putty his daughter received for Christmas has outsmarted him!

Americans spent more money on doctors last year than ever before . . . and it's working . . . more doctors are feeling better.

When I told Aunt Mary that they were using alligators to make handbags and shoes, she said, "Ain't it amazing what they can get animals to do nowadays?!"

Granny Ruth said she was getting really good at opening childproof caps . . . with a hammer!

Henry said he heard that some idiot had been calling members of Weight Watchers and Tops late at night . . . and whispering words like 'Big Mac', 'banana cream pie' and 'chocolate milk shake'.

Wacky Headline:  STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE.

"My wife is a magnetic woman", Tobe said.  "Everything she picks up, she charges."

Sign Outside Church:  Preacher Parking Only (You Park . . . You Preach!)

Golden Oldie Observation:  A hundred years ago, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.  In 2008, it takes a roof, deck, pool and a 2-car garage . . . and that's just the vacation home!!